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When I was expecting my first child in 2017, I was adamant I was breastfeeding.
I was really swayed during my pregnancy about all the benefits of breastfeeding and refused to buy any bottles or formula ‘just in case’.
Alfie made his way into the world in dramatic fashion on 4th November via a crash C-section weighing 6lb 6oz – not quite the home water birth I’d hoped for! We had to stay in hospital for quite a few days after, which was a blessing in disguise, as I had Arrowe Park’s incredible infant feeding team on hand to help Alfie feed well.
Feeding was SO much more difficult than I expected. The position I thought I should have him wasn’t right and making it more difficult for him to latch. I also couldn’t get my head around a deep latch and kept trying to feed him like I was giving him a bottle! After a few days of struggling to get him latched on myself, the feeding support worker introduced a nipple shield, and everything clicked into place.
I could easily get him latched myself, he fed perfectly with quick sucks to stimulate my milk, then deep sucks once the milk was flowing – you’re aiming to see 1-2 sucks then a swallow. At the end of the feed, he would do a cute little chin wobble to get the milk further up the breast, then zonk out until the next time!
Feeding went really well for two weeks, and he was above his birth weight at 14 days weighing 7lb exactly – I was so proud of myself. However, around this time, I received some very poor advice, and was told that I ‘absolutely must’ offer the second breast. This advice was given because we were using nipple shields, however the shield was always full of milk after a feed – he was clearly having a full feed and gaining weight, so this wasn’t necessary in my situation.
I started to offer the second breast as advised, and very quickly developed mastitis. Mastitis is a breast infection that develops from a blocked milk duct. At first, the duct might have a hard lump – this is milk. If the duct doesn’t clear, an infection can develop, which is mastitis.
Unfortunately for me, I didn’t have just one blocked duct – it seemed like every milk duct in both breasts were blocked, and it very quickly developed into mastitis. The blocked ducts were flaming red right up to my armpits (your ducts go all the way back!), burning hot and extremely painful to touch. I also had a fever, couldn’t stop shaking and struggled to stay awake. It felt like I had the flu.
Over the course of the week, I could tell Alfie wasn’t feeding well and felt like he wasn’t getting any milk. My happy, content baby who would zonk after a feed cried and cried and I could feel him getting thinner. I mentioned this to the midwife and was told, “Feed through it.”
By day five I’d had enough. I KNEW something was very wrong and needed help. I walked to the weighing clinic – a 1.5 mile walk three weeks post-crash section (I do not recommend this, I split my incision open…) and when I got there, Alfie was weighed and the nurse thought her scales were broken. She weighed him twice more, then asked a colleague to weigh him.
In just one week, he had dropped from 7lb to 5lb 12oz. I was sent straight to the GP, who sent us both straight to A&E. The photo shows my poor baby, in the first image he is a week old, in the second he is three 3 weeks old.
Alfie was dehydrated and had full bloods done – hearing his weak cry while having his bloods taken haunted me for many years after. I felt so guilty that he was in this position and put all blame on myself. He needed milk, and quickly, so I readily and happily agreed to give him formula. He seemed to take the first bottle in one gulp, and a second quickly followed – he relaxed and fell asleep. The first proper, settled sleep in a week. I was also put on antibiotics to clear up the breast infection.
The staff at Arrowe Park were once again fabulous, and the doctor treating him went to great lengths to reassure me that it wasn’t the end of breastfeeding and I could continue. I started using a breast pump, and had a detailed feeding plan:
Every three hours, around the clock.
Alfie started gaining weight, and by six weeks old, he was back to 7lbs. I had been working on getting my supply back, and could achieve 24oz a day after three weeks, a fantastic improvement on the dribble I got when we returned from hospital armed with bottles of formula. I felt happy enough to combi feed, and to express milk for him. I was petrified of directly feeding him again.
However, something still wasn’t quite right. Alfie would projectile vomit after a feed, cry a lot and was unsettled again at night. He sounded like he had a cold at night and couldn’t lay flat anymore. He also had a rash all over his body. Over the coming weeks, I was back and forth to the GP, health visitor and dietitian to find out what was wrong. Nobody seemed to know, although at one point it was suggested it could be the mix of breast milk and formula. As I couldn’t express enough to feed him solely on breastmilk, I quit and moved him fully to formula.
A week after this, I saw a different dietician, and within 10 minutes she diagnosed him with CMPA – cow milk protein allergy. He was allergic to formula. The crushing devastation was awful, I couldn’t face trying to restart my milk supply and expressing every three hours again, and it felt like all my fault again that he was sick because he’d had to go on to formula. Of course, none of what happened was my fault at all, I did my best and followed advice, and did an amazing job, which I can see now.
By 10 weeks, he was happily drinking Neocate formula, which is amino acid based and has no cow milk protein. Alfie is 6.5 years old now and is still allergic to cow’s milk!
It’s no surprise that my mental health really took a toll during these first few months, and I was diagnosed with post-natal anxiety and depression. I also had PTSD and hated being with other mums and their babies – I never felt good enough and felt so sad for Alfie that he had me for his mum. I avoided baby groups like the plague, and my local coffee shop and long walks became my refuge.
If I saw another mum breastfeeding, I’d be overwhelmed with flashbacks, guilt and shame. I wouldn’t feed him his bottle in public and would plan my trips out around his feeds or feed him in the car. There was also no ready-made Neocate back then, and I found it extremely stressful trying to make his bottles safely when out and about.
Moving on to late 2020 – I was firmly in the ‘one and done’ camp. However, my body had other ideas! Despite being adamant I only wanted the one, we were absolutely delighted to be expecting Ollie – once the shock wore off!
I was under the peri-natal mental health midwives while pregnant, however there were only two of them for the whole area. My appointment came through for 36 weeks pregnant – and there was a very real chance of Ollie being born before 39 weeks due to the previous complications with Alfie.
The anxiety broke the roof. I was terrified of how I was going to feed him, petrified of the needles, the procedure and also the very normal worry of changing the family dynamic. Feeding was a particular concern, as I still passionately felt like breastfeeding was how I wanted to feed, but I was utterly terrified of it going wrong. I was also worried if we went straight to formula, that he would also be allergic and suffer.
I was very fortunate to be able to attend some private therapy sessions with a wonderful local practitioner, and learnt valuable coping techniques to reduce the anxiety, as well as addressing fears over the upcoming birth and feeding.
My feeding plan for Ollie was:
Ollie arrived on the 22nd March, by planned C-Section at 37 weeks weighing a dinky 5lb 1oz!
Ollie screamed for food pretty much immediately (and hasn’t changed much in three years!). He inhaled the carefully expressed colostrum syringes I’d prepared. His wails in the recovery room could have been heard in Australia! For a tiny baby, he had (and still has!) a good set of lungs on him.
We had brought a bottle and ready-made formula with us, but I wanted to see if he would latch and feed. My lovely midwife who had been with me throughout the pregnancy latched Ollie on and he was away (and finally quiet!).
His second feed was also a direct breastfeed, and he latched perfectly with no problems – I couldn’t believe it. Perhaps it would work this time?
The third feed, he wouldn’t latch, was crying and flailing around. I was extremely firm that I absolutely wasn’t letting him go hungry for the sake of directly breastfeeding, so he had his first formula bottle, and I started expressing.
We were home within 24 hours, and he fed brilliantly from the bottle using the paced feeding technique. I continued to express, and within three days we didn’t need to use formula anymore. I tried Ollie on the breast a few times with varying success, but expressing worked so well for us, that I was happy to stick with it. It turns out I have a huge oversupply, and I was able to donate 1000oz of milk. I had to get a second freezer!
Between June and October I had mastitis 7 times – this could have been due to exclusively expressing, having an oversupply or perhaps I’m just prone to it. I won’t be having a third to find out!
I fed Ollie almost exclusively with expressed breastmilk for 7 months.
In September 2022, I trained as a breastfeeding peer supporter with a wonderful local charity called Koala North West. They had held my hand through my feeding journey with Ollie, and I wanted to give something back.
This escalated, and I ended up having a short career break and took a job on the same maternity ward where I had my boys! I joined the renowned infant feeding team and was able to support new mums at the very start of their feeding journey. It was such an honour to help and support new mothers with their first steps feeding baby and I hope I was able to make the transition into motherhood a little smoother for them.
Kat Gemmell joined our car safety team with over a decade of experience supporting parents to choose, fit and use their child car seats safely. She has worked for a national child seat campaign, provided product training for child seat manufacturers, and ran online information websites to support parents in making a truly informed choice. As well as her background in car safety, Kat also spent many years as a breastfeeding peer supporter, having worked for a local feeding charity as well as the maternity ward her children were born in.
